Voice of America Voiceover
By Taylor Mali
Dedicated to the guy who said that more people would hear my voice on radio
commercials and movie trailers than would ever hear me recite a single word
of my own poetry
In a world
where 90% of all the commercial voiceover work
goes to white men between the ages of 25 and 40
came a man, a white man, age 25 to 40,
with nothing but a message
as clear and distinct as his naturally trustworthy
Herpes, herpes, herpes, herpes, herpes.
It's easy to say five times fast,
but it's hard to say even once
to the people who need to hear it most:
They want to grow up to be just like you.
So make sure they learn to appreciate
the beauty of all wheel drive.
Because kids who try marijuana before the age of 15
are seven times more likely
to recommend Trident
to their patients who own guns.
Did somebody say Burger King:
when you have it your way,
it just tastes like nationwide long distance.
Now with more moisturizer and an extra drop of retsin
for that deep down-bodied thirst.
Remember: They're rubber and you're glue,
and everything you say can and will be used against you
on an episode of Law & Order: Special Fashion Victims' Unit.
So pay less with Boom, tough-actin' Tenactin and
Zoom zoom zoom!
Corporations use advertisements
to manipulate and confuse you.
Sticks and stones can break your bones
but some words are designed to confuse you.
Why do I get the big bucks?
Because I can say things like:
"Here to discuss the issues facing small businesses
and international corporations
with an eye toward implementing
an overseas marketing strategy
be it via the internet or more traditional B2B scenarios
is Bruce Chase,
the Deputy Assistant Secretary for Foreign and Domestic
Commercial Operations with the US Department of Commerce"
without messing up once or even cracking a smile.
Do you know where your children are?
Do you Yahoo?
Do you remember when we used to dance?
And incidents arose from circumstance?
One look at the new Chevy S-10
and you'll be asking yourself,
"Is Viagara right for me?"
Look, I'm 43 years old and I'm in better shape now
than I was when I was in theaters everywhere.
White men: they're everywhere you want to be,
and Raid takes the poison back to their nest
and kills them where they live.
I'm not a poet, but I play one on Def Poetry Jam.
I'm not a dead white male, but two out of three ain't bad.
So on those days when you're not feeling fresh,
come to Jamaica.
Because on the road of life there are passengers
And there are poets like me.
Can you hear me now?
Don't the words confuse you.
Don't let the lies fill you.
Cause sticks and stones can break your bones,
but words can fucking kill you.
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